Will Levi Johnston save us from Sarah Palin?

by Bernie Quigley

- for The Hill on 11/10/09

When the great historian Robert Massie, author of Dreadnaugh, went back to find the root of the Second World War, the Great War and the rise and fall of Victoria, he found the singular warrior of Britannia who, in one astonishing afternoon in 1805, turned Napoleon’s fleet away from England, Lord Nelson. We face tough times ahead in the world again today. Unfortunately we have no Nelson. But we do have Levi Johnston. Possibly he will save us.

Not since Jon Gosselin has there been such a man. The press covers him like a blanket because they see the potential. He holds the power to save us from Sarah Palin. And, like Nelson at Trafalgar, he is quite possibly our last line of defense. It almost seems like that economic meltdown of September, 2008, began because of her. It occurred only days, minutes practically, after McCain announced her to be his VP. And everything has changed since then. Like she’s a white she devil or something. Suddenly a live, feral wolf girl rises up out of the northern forests, like those vampires of Twilight. A character threat to all we have gotten used to: to the Bidens, the Clintons, the Bushes and all the women in the room who come and go speaking of Michelangelo. This could ruin everything.

And she’s agile. She maneuvered past the first line of defense, Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, the New York Times Frank Rick and virtually all the women who work at the Times and the Washington Post. She outshined Tiny Fey. And William Shattner, drunk or sober, could not stop her on the late night talk shows. Then she single-handedly ruined David Letterman. Ruined his entire career. It was like some witch curse. But it must be said that she did not act alone in this. She had help: Glenn Beck.

It may surprise some that, Palin and Beck, one man and one woman from the bush working virtually alone, could successfully evade the entire institution, but that shows the insidious guerilla stealth of these people.

Is seems now the networks and the press have found the solution and thank God for that. Levi Johnson. Not since they joined forces with the government at the beginning of the war on Iraq have the press and the networks been so resolute and united in their efforts. After his big interview in Vanity Fair he has been everywhere. He’s all over the TV, buffing up and getting ready for his big photo shoot at Playgirl. He has never really done anything in his life so far – I think he’s only 12 – but he did manage to get a 17-year-old-girl pregnant and walk away from it. Happens. Too bad. But these are not Lord Nelson’s times. These are Oprah times.

He says he knows things. We already know a lot. She shot a moose. And she ate it. And the ever-vigilant Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post has uncovered this: Someone gave her a grouty Garfield calendar for Christmas and she keeps it on her desk. He says he’s got the goods on her. He knows thinks about Sarah Palin that will end the curse; end the swine flu, stop the drought, restore the dollar and return manufacturing from China. He used to live near her and went to her house once. Let’s hope he is right. He is our last line of defense against Sarah Palin. He is our only hope.